Finding Momentum

i came across it on acci­dent. beethoven’s pathe­tique, c minor on inter­net radio.

i spent six months on that piece, two years ago. was sup­posed to have per­formed it, mas­tered it, con­quered it, two years ago. instead, i turned and buried it, two years ago.

i wasn’t even close to play­ing it like the way it was recorded. i can imag­ine it: black tuxe­doed pianist slen­der fin­gers fly­ing over pure ivory keys. mine were always a lit­tle too chubby, a lit­tle too slow and tended to trip over themselves.

too bad i never con­tin­ued. my mom’s in the other room hum­ming along to the melody, a melody she’s heard mil­lions of times in her own house, albeit imperfectly.

i will never under­stand why my par­ents poured those thou­sands of dol­lars into my piano edu­ca­tion for (what?) or why the nos­tal­gia is so strong and the heart so heavy (now?)

some des­tinies you try to refine and build up. some you work up halfway, they crum­ble and you cry over the loss. but what can you do? melody so lovely, music so fine, can­not (at least not today) ever be mine.