Finding Momentum

I don’t like easy answers. This is a con­sis­tent theme in every­thing I do.

I hate cliches. I don’t like fol­low­ing tra­di­tions, or fol­low­ing pre­de­fined paths. Some­thing about being able to blaze your own trail and say that you’ve done it yourself.

In my con­ver­sa­tions: I am wary of easy answers. “Just trust God” or “Have you prayed about it?” Some part of me just refuses to believe that it could be that easy, or is afraid of being the for­mu­laic poster child.

Or in my writ­ing: I love writ­ing about things that don’t make sense, or are bor­der­line blas­phe­mous, or leave the reader feel­ing unset­tled. I try out words that don’t fit together, form phrases that defy lin­guis­tic con­ven­tions and break word flow. That’s art, you know. That’s an expres­sion of my life.

On liv­ing: I hate the idea of becom­ing Another Asian Amer­i­can Engi­neer. Or, heaven for­bid, another Asian Amer­i­can Min­istry Worker. So let’s not do either.

But what DO I want to be, and how do I move for­ward in achiev­ing this? In my desire to expose every­thing that was fake and not of any truth, I for­got that I was tear­ing down the very struc­tures that were designed to give me direction.

It con­nected yes­ter­day after­noon, hav­ing an early din­ner with pas­tor Peter back home. I had com­plained about not want­ing to fall into the for­mula of those who had gone before me.

He just laughed. “You’re going through your rebel­lious stage, Andrew.”

Oh naw. Me? Heck naw.

But the more I thought about it, the more I real­ized yeah, I was totally rebelling and more so, try­ing to forge a path that was defined by what it wasn’t. Too bad it for­got to try to dis­cover what it is.

A son. A child. An object of affec­tion for the most High?

Good ol’ Post­mod­ernism, how I love thee and your ugly ways of ruin­ing my identity.

(I’m not done, I just don’t know what more to write)

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Went to BCM’s Sun­day Night Live per­for­mance last night, and there was few rows of us Asian kids not quite know­ing whether to dance and where to just give the pre­req­ui­site head bob. Gospel and Neo-soul is where it’s at. Asian folks could never pull it off, which is why God gave it to black folks.

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AHHHH! Sopho­more group and beau­ti­ful sopho­mores. I’m going to miss you so. Thanks for bless­ing me this year.

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“Remem­ber him???before the sil­ver cord is sev­ered, or the golden bowl is bro­ken; before the pitcher is shat­tered at the spring, or the wheel bro­ken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.” –Ecc 12:6–7