Finding Momentum

Even though these last like eight weeks have been a non­stop train wreck of dead­lines, I feel oddly good. Balanced–I’ve had peace all through­out this semes­ter. It’s kind of weird but I’ve been stress­ing out less and sim­ply rest­ing a lot more. A part of it is hav­ing a solid sleep sched­ule (I slept 6 hours every night!). What does it mean to study & learn as an act of wor­ship? For me, it meant dis­man­tling the school idol and mak­ing time for G. It meant man­ag­ing my time so I wouldn’t have to rush things last minute. It meant respect­ing my lim­its even when I felt the assign­ment wasn’t per­fect (hence, no all-nighters baby). It meant giv­ing up my own per­for­mance expec­ta­tions. It sucks that it’s taken me like six years to learn that I am cre­ated with lim­its, but dude. It is good. Time with G is sweet and good for my soul. And man, He’s faith­ful. I checked my tran­script today–a;oiwjgawe how did you hook it up?!?

I feel older (in good ways). It’s not some­thing that I can put a fin­ger on. Maybe if I con­trasted Junior Me of this year against Wide-Eyed Me of frosh year with Slightly Angsty Me of soph year, you could see the dif­fer­ence. But part of it is sim­ply gath­er­ing more respon­si­bil­i­ties and get­ting to know older peo­ple. It’s a new feel­ing, mov­ing into a life path that is less paved. “The twen­ties were con­fus­ing years,” the older peo­ple in my com­mu­nity group tell me, “the thir­ties are a good decade.” Whoa, hang on, let me live these next 10 years first.

I was blessed to have an awe­some CS 162 group that was crazy bril­liant, dili­gent and down­right fun. I might actu­ally miss these guys.

Urbana’s in less than a week, and I hon­estly don’t know how to pre­pare for it. I read this guy’s Xanga where he writes it totally blew him away and left him for­ever “uncom­fort­able with com­fort” and middle-road Chris­tian­ity. I don’t know whether to embrace that or run from that, do you know what I mean? Jesus-following is all-or-nothing. I either whole­heart­edly take up that cross, die to my dreams and hang onto what is Bet­ter or I take the safe way out (cuz faith is a ephemeral and oft-fleeting thing) and walk the eas­ier road. And I do under­stand that fol­low­ing whole­heart­edly looks dif­fer­ent with every per­son accord­ing to G’s plan and purpose.

The ques­tion, as it has always been for me, is a ques­tion of sur­ren­der. Can I hold onto my life just a lit­tle longer? I do remem­ber strug­gling with the same thing years ago in high school, think­ing that I chose a path. But times change and com­passes decal­i­brate. Now that I’ve built my cas­tles up just a lit­tle more (say, after start­ing the degrees), it does get harder to turn the sand shovel and bucket over. God, redeem that. Help me work through this.

I’m in Hawaii now, just chillin’ haha. My fam’s up here in Hon­olulu tak­ing it easy, see­ing the sights. The weather here’s a good 80 degrees (I’m not miss­ing the frigid SoBay weather at all). It’s been good hav­ing time to slow down, enjoy time with the fam, process things in my head, and enjoy the beach. I’m actu­ally kick­ing it in a PMT place out here across from the con­ven­tion cen­ter and a lit­tle wary of walk­ing back to the hotel (the place is sorta shady after dark actu­ally )

Pic­tures to come. Soon.

Cur­rently Lis­ten­ing Cop­per­opo­lis By Char­lie Hunter Trio see related