Finding Momentum

I oftentimes talk about how maturity is a hard process. These past few months have been times of self-discovery. A peek into the rough-and-tumble, totally awkward journey of self-awareness...

1. I have an EQ of a doorknob. I used to think I was pretty sensitive and in touch with how I felt--how mistaken I was. A few months into my relationship with Sarah, I basically realized that I am an emotional Neanderthal. I don't have a very large vocabulary to describe my feelings and I realize that I am totally clueless as to the reasons why I feel things (Psychologists will tell us that nobody knows why they truly feel things, but still. I take this to whole new levels.)
2. I have time-delayed emotions. After some big event or disagreement, I won't know how I feel about things until about a day afterwards. This is a huge contrast to Sarah, who feels things on the spot. I'm trying to understand why, but I think it's partially because of my (aforementioned) stunted emotional development. It also makes things hard for us as we resolve issues and disagreements because I can't quite fully bring my side to the table at the moment.
3. I process things best by writing. Seeing words on a page or computer screen legitimize them for me. If I go too long without journaling or blogging, I start feeling lost and disoriented (or just really uneasy). It's like feeling like I have this big backlog of things to write down, but they don't enter reality until they're written. Which is most likely why I'm writing this post.
4. I value other's approval of myself, often to an unhealthy degree. There's this people-pleaser in me (that I've previously written about) that I'm trying to shake. Much of my identity is founded in how I'm perceived by others. As such, I'm often a social chameleon, taking on the whims or likes or habits of the people around me. Oftentimes this means I'll be ingratiating with the people I try to please or impress. Nobody wants an imposter as a friend. I'd do better being myself--the lil kid with a proud Dad.
5. I'm starting to find and use my voice. I grew up with subtle cultural values that taught me to adhere to the norm, suppress my opinions and to do things that pleased others. Which are actually really, really good in certain contexts, but often lead to unhealthy, unbalanced relationships. I realized recently that I am still really shy about speaking up and saying how I feel if it inconveniences (麻煩) others. I am learning to become comfortable speaking up, speaking truth into others' lives and voicing my needs.
6. I'm a workaholic because I put my worth in what I can produce. I'm definitely a by-the-book Type-A personality. Which is cool, because I can get lots of stuff done. Which is cool, because I'm fairly confident in my abilities. Which is not cool, because I begin to sacrifice more important things (friends, relationships, family) for the sake of "finishing this project" or "beating the deadline". On one hand I know that I have God-given talents and abilities and doing quality work is Good. On the other hand, I can't let it get out of control and consume me and become one more idol to chase.
7. I'm still figuring out friendships. This one is pretty hard to write about. I'm not very good at keeping in touch with people. Maybe this is because I always exude an air of "I'm really busy right now," which is alienating. I should think that it's more of a matter of time, though. I think it might be a matter of valuing them for who they are. Maybe it's because my old buddies and I seem to be in very different places now. I don't know. But I do fear losing the genuine friends I've gotten to know over the years, whether by distance or inevitable circumstance or otherwise.
8. I really value my family. Being at home this summer makes me realize how much I missed them. And it made me realize even more how much I took them for granted from high school through college. There are some big changes in store for us: Esther's moving in soon at UCSD and my mom and dad are headed off to China for a period of time. I just know that I love em.