Push and pull, move and wait. I’m in a season of waiting, of settling down. One moment moving, one moment heads-down dealing with the day-to-day, one moment being allowed (a little) to plan and to dream.
I guess I never really thought about what it would look like to be here, in my late 20’s. I’ve always had a hazy vision about what it might look like, but I never expected to feel so young, or feel so unsure, or simultaneously sure. I have my moments when I think to myself dude, I’ve lived it up so far. And other seasons I’m wondering ok, so now what’s the next step?
I think this is where Annie and I are different — she loves the experience of the new, and so lives her life at the place of risk, discomfort, and new experiences. I love the comfort of familiarity, loving the feeling of mastery and the deepening of purpose and relationship.
I love the feeling of running, and the mastery of achieving a PR, or new distance goal. Or I love the feeling of deepening my knowledge or technique around a programming methodology or principle, refining and creating.
But I’m learning that I’m scared too, to live at the razor’s edge of risk. And that’s what I’m learning to do recently. To make a move, to try to put myself out there again to change things up. To see what’s outside of myself. Who knows what I’ll find?
Lately I’ve been thinking about how Annie and I will do with the reality of her grad school looming in the horizon. Of course, I’m unsure about how long distance will play out with us. But as much as I hate the uncertainty, and I’m anxious about the future, and how much I hate having conficts or feeling misunderstood, I feel like I can trust myself and trust my gut. You’ve lived long enough to know this. Trust your gut. Trust in your father. There are Good things ahead.