You just don’t get me.

I wanted you to listen and feel with me.

Stop giving me solutions and just listen to me.

Why are you so quiet?

No, that’s not what I meant.

Are you listening to me?

I want you to want to.

I don’t have to tell you; you should just know it already.

WELL,

Sarah just gave me the Best Valentine’s Gift Ever:

It’s basically like getting the other team’s playbook. Everybody wins, so it’s even better.

Sarah made me an instruction manual for Valentine’s Day. No, seriously. It’s a cute handcrafted book with little snippets of lists of her likes and dislikes, her basic info, and most of all, this mental model and decision diagram of the female brain (well, hers at least).

My logical, rational, Engineer mind rejoices. I love this girl.

At the same time, it’s kind of fun staying late with coworkers, sharing in the pain! Ah, yes, it’s every single EECS class I ever had, all over again. Fun, but only for the first couple of evenings.

I have to remember I’m human and limited. God’s sovereign and the work is going to get done with or without me. And God forbid if I am ever controlled by work or stress or deadlines. It’s just not worth it. Shake it off. Take a deep breath, Andrew. It’s gonna be okay.

This week at Urbana was what I needed. I think I heard what I needed to hear: echoes of the Kingdom told through businesspeople who understand that with regards to their businesses, “it’s not about the money, but all about relationships.” It’s about being conscientious to how you can use business to advance the Kingdom and change lives: creating jobs, being ethical, opening doors.

I’ve been needing some sort of spiritual kick in the pants, and I think I finally feel that there’s a door opening with regards to my future. Coming here and getting excited about using my skills and passion about software, design, programming, people… man. I think this is helping me focus where I need to be going and growing. Mentorship, discipleship, practical real-world business skills, prayer…

Tom Hsieh is an Asian-American tech entrepreneur whose story tells that story well. Years ago Tom went to Urbana and came away with two convictions:

1. God’s heart was for the urban poor.
2. Tom did not love the poor.

Something needed to happen, so Tom decided to move into the inner city after graduation, turning down several lucrative offers and serving with a local church there. He took a part-time computer tech job with flexible hours so he could do his service there.

Tom was successful in what he did and his career advanced. Soon he found himself an executive at Earthlink (in its nascent startup days), where he told us stories about simply being obedient to Jesus in the workplace, living a simple life in the grind of corporate America, living a life of radical giving. Tom and his wife have committed to live at or below the median income level, so that means they give away about 80% of their income. Crazy.

Tom was closing a business deal over a power lunch one day: “This isn’t real!” he thought to himself while bringing the slice steak up to his mouth. Hanging out with the neighborhood kids and seeing their smiles? That’s real. Being spiritually authentic and Hopeful in a world that denies it? That’s real.  Choosing to fight greed with generosity? That’s real.

Hearing stories like these this week was good for my soul. More specifically, I think I have some sort of calling to live a focused, missional life. Here. Or overseas. Who knows, and where a few years ago that was something I felt I had to fight, this time around it’s something that’s freeing.

Who knows, who knows. It’s the start of a new year. New possibilities. We’ll see.

I’ve got my bags packed and waiting in an airport in Kansas City en route to Urbana.

I was thinking today about how much I’m seeking a calling (or a life direction, you could say). Life in the working world has its way of sucking you onto its treadmill, where it’s easy to simply wake up one day, and a year has passed, and you’re still sporting the same haircut.

But I was thinking today that really, this is less about direction than it is about identity. I’m known less by my professional aspirations, my friendships, the person I was in college, my performance as a worker in the marketplace than I am simply God’s son.

I need some sort of kick start, something to make that realization hit home.

The scent of pine
    released from autumn’s sleep

I've been thinking a lot about how hard life is.

It's been a rough month for everyone. Folks suffering through cancer, layoffs, relationship losses, and passings in the family. Stories of confusion, backstabbing, heartbreak, and confusion are bubbling up right and left. What do we do in this despair?

The wife of my old pastor was recently diagnosed with Stage IV lymphoma. It crept up on her, silently and suddenly. Reading emails my pastor sent, I was struck by how raw the feelings of fear, loss, and pain were.

But far over it all was a tone of resilience. "We've called this theme of this season of our lives 'Don't waste your cancer'" I hear how determined they are to face this silent killer with faith and continue running this race with endurance.

This has been a bit of a rough patch for myself as well. I'm not quite sure how to describe it.

Yesterday at small group we were talking about Jesus and his suffering on earth and on the cross. How in the end, we can endure great suffering because we hope in the eternal (the things unseen) and, powerful and reassuring to me, that Jesus himself endured our suffering. He knows exactly what it's like.

Don't waste your cancer. What's it like to hope instead of being paralyzed by fear?

Don't waste your suffering. What's it like to look beyond ourselves to others and Jesus instead of descending into a pit of despair?

I want to know this. To hope, to rejoice, to continue on the Mission. We may not know it now, but we know it nonetheless.

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Sunday, I gave myself a pretty bad haircut. It was a really hot evening, and I was impatient to be finished. Well, buzzing trimmer in hand (with no guard), I misjudged the angle of my head and on my way up, and… whoops!

In one fell swoop, I had a crater on the back of my head. Further inspection with a mirror revealed the horrifying truth: It was bad; I could give the ozone layer a run for its money. And really, all I could really do was laugh.

I think this was the icing on the cake to a long trial period in my life where I’ve just realized how uncool and incompetent I am. I’m not very suave. The words that come out of my mouth can be Shockingly Dumb. I can be forgetful, I can be insecure, I can be totally, totally awkward. I’m a Neanderthal.

In short, I can fail in more ways than I ever thought I could, and I’m not as well put together as I thought I was, and that’s been super depressing to come to grips with.

I’ve been learning the hard lessons of who I really am. I’ve had my pride knocked around a lot. Between myself and Sarah, I’ve discovered that I’m a Total Idiot when it comes to emotions and communication and all that good stuff (who can relate?!).

I’ve made mistakes at work. I’ve been a bad friend. I’ve done a lot of things that just weren’t up to par. I’m actually not as good of a guy than I gave myself credit for.

But, maybe that’s what leads to the laughing. Maybe this is just it; maybe I’m going through the wringer to get humbled and get a fresh beginning on this post-college life. Maybe this is exactly what it feels like to know how much I need Grace, and to be at my wits’ end regarding my own abilities to accomplish anything Good. And maybe there’s that joy that… heck. Crater or no crater, I’m loved. I’m not that big of a deal, and that’s not that big of a deal.

I know I need God. Dang. That’s the one thing that echoes through my mind every morning. I can’t make it through the day without your Grace, Jesus. I don’t care about anything else.

A verse, ever-quoted through this blog, is James 1:2–5. The words stumble through my lips by losers and failures like me, making them all the more powerful.

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

So maybe it’s going to be okay. I’m still growing. I’m still learning to depend on Jesus.

I’m gonna go find myself a hat.

I started working at Riverbed about three months ago. Three months! Time does fly.

What do you do? I'm a User Interface Developer with them, where I design the management interface to the Steelhead, their WAN acceleration product. What this means in plain English is that I design the look and feel of the control panel to their product, a network device that speeds up data transfer over a network.

No, it's not the sexiest thing to be doing, but hey it's my first full-time job. My boss is really cool and my coworkers are really fun. I think I'm gonna learn a lot here.

I remember starting work and making a list of priorities:

1. Relationships > work.
2. Personal life > work life (and learn how to separate the two)
3. Work hard & work well.
4. Work to be generous.
5. Work as an act of worship.

Here's what I'm learning:

1. The rhythm of work life is like nothing I anticipated. It wasn't that total screeching halt that I braced myself for, but rather a slower, gradual fade into a 9A-6P rhythm. It's not pulling crazy demands on my personal life right now, but I definitely understand that desire to come in after work, sit down and veg out in front of the TV.
2. It's all about the relationships, and that's not easy. If I'm going to be spending most of my life here at work, I really want to make it count. You know? I want these relationships to really mean something. Call me naive, but I think we can make real friends at work. And that requires a lot of effort.

   I'm discovering that this effort doesn't come easy. Because work life has greatly shrunk the scope of my outside activities, it means that there needs to be real effort to make room to chill with coworkers over a pitcher at the bar across the street, or attend my coworker's daughter's high school musical (haven't done that one yet!). And I'm finding that oftentimes it's far easier to block out my whole schedule with things I plan but never leave room for the simple conversations that come my way every day.

3. I thought that making money wasn't going to make me materialistic (that's quite a mouthful). I thought I knew how to live generously and it would come easy. After all, I came from college, right? I lived off food scraps and horribly improvised recipes/abominations (see: spaghetti sauce sandwich). I went to Intervarsity, right? I know what it's like to interface with the poor.

   It's not easy, guys.

   I'm finding it's true that the more you make, the more you compare to those who have more. Oh, I make x dollars a year? Well my coworker makes y more than me, and he's only z quantity more/less experienced. And it's true, when you never thought money would be an idol, you find yourself wishing that you had extra space in your wallet for that extra purchase.

4. I'm learning that the act of work itself is, well, worship. I'm thinking that satisfaction you get when you finish a big project having put your heart and mind and strength into it is, well, a reflection of how God felt when he finished us up on the 7th metaphorical (or literal, depending on your take) day.
5. I also thought that giving would be more glamorous than it really was. I'm not quite sure what I imagined. Maybe lavish praise from friends and acquaintances. "Oh, he's so kind." "Oh, he's a generous fellow (which nobody can deny)" At the very least, maybe a gold star in the books.

Maybe it's true, what Jesus taught: "But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." (Matt. 6:3). That's the ultimate suck-it-up unglamorous thing to do. That's zero recognition, not even from yourself. I think Jesus had a point when he said that. Don't look to the act of giving to give you your full satisfaction. Do it because your Father loves you; his Holy Spirit moves and breathes through you.

And so it is with the workplace as well; I'm learning not to see it as my ultimate ends of satisfaction. I'm trying hard not to let it dictate my mood for the day or my pace of life in general. I'm working out what it means to have a career, to have skills, talents, passions, and to explore and expand them in the context of this new rhythm of life.

I think I make this transition out to be a lot harder than it actually is. I need to remember that I do these things because the Spirit moves and breathes through me. And in light of that, I can chill.

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